Parallel play is not just for toddlers
Doing separate things side by side is a real way to connect, and it suits many ADHD adults.
The short version: try one today
- Suggest a “bring your own task” evening.
- Do hobbies in the same room as your partner.
- Skip the pressure to talk.
Nobody around to work with? Priori has body doubling sessions built in. (We make it. It's free to download.)
Parallel play is the name for what small children do when they sit side by side, each with their own toy, perfectly happy and barely interacting. Search for parallel play ADHD and you'll find a lot of adults admitting they never grew out of it. Their favourite way to spend time with someone is to be in the same room doing completely different things.
That counts as connection. It can also be the kind of company that leaves you with more energy than you started with, which matters if socialising usually costs you a lot.
Why being together and separate feels so good
Conversation is hard work for an ADHD brain. You're tracking what the other person said, holding your reply in working memory, trying not to interrupt and monitoring your own face. Many women with ADHD describe years of masking in social situations, which means performing attentiveness on top of actually paying attention. No wonder a two-hour dinner can flatten you.
Parallel play removes most of that load. Nobody needs an answer from you. You get the warmth of another person in the room without the running commentary in your head about whether you're doing it right.
There's a practical bonus as well. Having someone nearby tends to make it easier to stay on a task, which is the same idea behind body doubling. The two have different goals. Body doubling is about getting the thing done. Parallel play is about being together, and anything that gets done is a nice extra.
What parallel play ADHD style looks like in real life
Take a Sunday in a shared flat. One flatmate is repotting a plant on the floor. Another is editing photos with headphones on. You're on the sofa, finally sorting the pile of post you've ignored since you moved in. Someone makes tea every forty minutes. Nobody has said more than ten sentences, and it's the nicest afternoon you've had in weeks.
You can set this up on purpose.
- Host a bring-your-own-task evening. Text the group: 'Come over Thursday, bring something you need to do or want to make. Snacks provided, talking optional.' People turn up with laptops, knitting, tax forms and half-finished paintings.
- Do hobbies in the same room as your partner. They game, you crochet. They read, you do a puzzle. Now and then one of you looks up to show the other something. That's the whole evening, and it's a good one.
- Take it online. A video call with a long-distance friend where you both cook, fold laundry or study works surprisingly well.
The online version is close to virtual coworking, only with lower stakes and more pyjamas.
Dropping the pressure to talk
The awkward part is usually the first ten minutes, when everyone feels they ought to be chatting. Say the rule out loud at the start. 'I'm going to be quiet and get on with this, and I'm really glad you're here' does a lot of work.
It helps to explain it to people who don't have ADHD, too. A partner might read your silence as distance or boredom. Tell them plainly that sitting near them while you each do your own thing is how you recharge with someone, and that you chose to do it next to them when you could have been alone in your room.
Silence doesn't have to be total either. Short bursts of chat between long stretches of quiet are normal. If the chat takes over and you end up talking for three hours, fine. You had a different kind of evening.
When it doesn't land
Some people need conversation to feel close, and parallel play will never fully do it for them. Mix the two. Twenty minutes of proper catching up over food, then an hour of quiet side-by-side time, gives both of you something.
If you find you can't settle with a particular person in the room, notice that without judging it. Some company is restful and some keeps you on alert. Parallel play works best with people you don't feel you have to perform for, and it's okay if that's a short list right now.
Quick questions
Is parallel play a sign of ADHD?
No. Plenty of people with and without ADHD enjoy it, and liking it tells you nothing about a diagnosis. Many ADHD adults say it suits them because it offers company without the effort of constant conversation. If you're wondering about ADHD itself, a clinician is the person to ask.
What is the difference between parallel play and body doubling?
Body doubling uses another person's presence to help you start and stay on a task. Parallel play is a way of spending time together where each person does their own thing and productivity is optional. They overlap a lot, and one evening can easily be both.